When Handicapping Logic Fails, Pick A Critter With A Classy Name
April 27, 2002
By, William F. Reed

LOUISVILLE, Ky. (April 27, 2002) - I've always believed that naming a racehorse is sort of a sacred trust because you can never tell when one of them will be good enough to win the Kentucky Derby (GI). It's important, therefore, to pick something noble, romantic, or inspiring. Something that won't make future generations upchuck.

A Derby winner should be named something like Count Fleet or Majestic Prince or Monarchos. Now those are names that evoke images of "My Old Kentucky Home," a garland of red roses, and silver julep cups. They sound like giants of the sport, not stable ponies.

So, I simply can't understand why some people would stick such horrible names on their colts and fillies. It's like Mr. and Mrs. Starr next door naming their son Ima, or Mr. and Mrs. Howard naming their son Howard. Why would anybody do that to somebody they love?

When I checked the list of nominees for this year's Triple Crown races, I saw many suitably stirring names, such as Officer, High Star, King's Consul, Roman Dancer, and Saratoga Blues. But I also saw Fonz's, Jeremiah Jack, Silent Fred, Handsome Hunk, and Bug Hall. Bug Hall? Puh-leeze. That's almost as bad as Smelly, a 1990 nominee.

There's just no way that horses with those kind of names can win the roses on the first Saturday in May. The gods of racing simply won't allow it, which is why a horse named Degenerate Jon could do no better than eighth in 1980 and the horribly-named Afternoon Deelites also was eighth in 1995. Other badly-named Derby horses who finished up the track are Boola Boola, fourth in 1910; Petee-Wrack, 14th in '28; Morpulck, seventh in '35; Anyoldtime, seventh in '51; Tonka Wakhan, 10th in '80; and Shawklit Won, 11th in '87.

Please understand, I'm not a snob. I like clever names as much as anybody. For example, Harlan's Holiday, this year's likely favorite, comes from his breeding - by Harlan out of Christmas in Aiken. That's cool. I also like Proud Citizen, who's by Gone West out of Drums for Freedom. That should play well with everyone who rediscovered their patriotism after 9/11. I also wouldn't mind seeing Came Home immortalized on those mint julep glasses that are so popular at Churchill Downs on the first Saturday in May.

But my biggest peeve are the owners who name horses by either misspelling a word or running several words together. History doesn't reveal the identity of the first person who rans words together, but I'm sure he, or she, is Rottinginhell, if you get my drift. This year's list of early contenders included Danthebluegrassman and Easyfromthegitgo, but, mercifully, both dropped off the Derby Trail, leaving (yuck) It'sallinthechase, who's 0-for-5 this year, as the main affront to everyone who loves the English language.

Gagmewithaspoon.

There should be rules prohibiting such assaults on the sensibilities. In fact, The Jockey Club, the moss-backed custodian of the sport's regulations and traditions, already has a long list of name-game violations. No name should be longer than 18 characters, including spaces. No names of living persons may be used without their written approval, and names of famous dead people must be approved by the Board of Stewards.

Also not allowed are copyrighted material and the titles of books, plays, popular songs, and movies. Neither is anything crude, obscene or suggestive, although owner Mike Pegram managed to slide Isitingood past the Jockey Club a few years ago. A few years ago, Hugh Hefner allowed a horse to be named for him, which some found as obscene as naming one for, oh, O.J. Simpson.

Actually, it's difficult to get a name past the Jockey Club's computers and committees, which are vigilant about avoiding duplication. For example, Secretariat was named only after his stable's first five names were rejected. They were, for you trivia fans, Scepter, Royal Line, Something Special, Games of Chance, and Deo Volente (Latin for God willing).

Owners and breeders often get suggestions for names. In 1989, a fan named Phil Straw sent Arthur B. Hanock a list of possible names, one of which was Sunday Silence. Hancock, who writes and sings country music in his private time, siezed on it because it somehow reminded him of Kris Kristofferson's "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down." Unfortunately, poetic horseman are about as rare as white race horses.

Of all the various systems and formulas devised by handicappers to pick the Derby winner - the Dosage Index, Beyer speed figures, etc. - here's the one that makes the most sense to me: Eliminate every horse with a less-than-inspiring name, even if he has won all his previous races by a zillion lengths. By and large, if you run your finger down the list of Derby winners, you'll see that this approach has worked quite well over 127 years.

Oh, sure, there have been some Derby winners with names that don't quicken your pulse. I didn't particularly like the name Seattle Slew, but I loved the horse, who won the 1977 Triple Crown while still unbeaten. More recently, I wasn't enamored with Lil E. Tee in 1992 and Fusaichi Pegasus in 2000.

For the sake of argument, let's assign this year's crop of names to one of three categories.

Perfect For A Julep Glass -- Came Home, Harlan's Holiday, Ocean Sound (Ire), Perfect Drift, Private Emblem, Proud Citizen, Saarland and Sunday Break.

Better Than A Warm Beer -- Castle Gandolfo, Easy Grades, Essence of Dubai, Johannesburg, War Emblem, Windward Passage.

Pass The Alka-Seltzer -- Blue Burner (not named for Tubby Smith), Buddha (not named for jockey Pat Day's God of choice), It'sallinthechase, Lusty Latin (not named for Geraldo Rivera), Medaglia d'Oro, Request For Parole (not named for Mike Tyson), Smoked Em (not named for the Kentucky tobacco industry), Wild Horses, and U S S Tinosa.

Check them out and decide which most belongs on the list of immortals that includes Gallant Fox, War Admiral, Spectacular Bid, and Winning Colors.

Or, to put it another way, "Maythebestnamewin."

Native Kentuckian William F. "Billy" Reed has been a sports writer in various capacities for 42 years and has missed covering the Kentucky Derby a mere two times since 1966. He has been a high-profile sports writer in Kentucky for the Commonwealth's two largest daily newspapers, the Louisville Courier-Journal and the Lexington Herald-Leader and was a national columnist for Sports Illustrated, covering among other sports, Thoroughbred horse racing and college basketball. Reed currently pens a column for the Louisville Sports Report, contrbiutes features to the Keeneland program and will be, among varied other assignments, filing Kentucky Derby installments on www.kentuckyderby.com.

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